Concerned Whore Wife

From: Concerned Whore Wife

To Whom it May Concern,

I am writing to plead w/you to start censoring your website. I found my husband looking at your site yesterday & was disgusted at the scantily clad women you were showing on there. I don’t allow my husband to view such filth in my house and I hope my story will inspire you to remove those images ASAP.

-A Concerned Wife

Our Response:

Dear. Mrs. Concerned Wife,

Let your fucking husband do what the fuck he wants, you ball-busting thundercunt. Jesus Christ. Are you sure we didn’t used to be married? Fuck me running, at least he isn’t looking at kiddie-porn. Shut the fuck up.

-Fuck you you controlling bitch,

P.S. – Tell your husband we said, “BE FREE OR DIE!”

-FMS

Sammy

From: Sammy

To Liveral Assholes

you have good shirts that have republican stuff on them that is good and i wuld buy it. i wont because you have stuff for liberals too. why would you do that? that’s stupid to do that. you can’t be both and you cant sell both. you guys are just into it for money and you have no devotion for real morals or politics. give me a break. you guys suck.

– Sammy

Our Response:

Liveral assholes? What the fuck is that? Learn some proper grammer before you start bitching at me, man. That shit needed a 3rd grade teacher to correct all of the fucking mistakes in it. Your grasp on the English language aside, I think maybe you should shut the fuck up. Of course we’re in it for the moeny. Why the fuck else would anyone start a business? Our personal politics don’t come into play at all. We have conservatives AND liberals working side-by-side in this place….which is how it SHOULD fucking be. ‘Nuff said. Now shut the fuck up.

-FMS

P Dawg

From: P Dawg

To the Fuck-faces at Foul Mouth Assholes

You guys are pricks. I was looking at your site, and everything on there is made to piss somebody off. That’s bullshit. The art sucks. The designs suck. Who wants to wear that shit? NOBODY! You guys aint nothing but a couple of stoners who know how to make shits and make websites. Get a real fuckin’ job! Make some shirts that people can wear out in public or something cool like with art and shit. Who wants shirts and shit that says fuck all on it? I can’t wear that shit to school. Dumb fucks.

– P Dawg

Our Response:

What!?!? We offer a high-quality product to the public! How dare you! Your statement might be right about two stoners who know how to make t-shirts and websites, only that was about three years ago. We’re WAY bigger now. You’re still right about the stoner part…at least where some of us are concerned. Weed helps me piss people off more constructively. Thanks for your concern, but I’m thankful I don’t have to work a “real fuckin’ job.” Working sucks. I can’t believe I do so much voluntarily. Fuck. Honestly, we make shirts that piss people off because we want to give EVERYONE a chance to piss off the target audience of their choice. We’re fucking awesome like that. Now fuck off.

P.S. – P Dawg is a fucking retarded nickname. I bet you gave it to yourself.

-FMS

C from Detroit

rom: C from Detroit

To the President of FoulMouthShirts,

I am a mother of four and I have concerns about your website. I was carrying laundry up to my 18yr old son’s room yesterday because he’s home from college. He was asleep, but I laid his clean clothes out and happened to see that his laptop was on. I was going to turn it off for him, when I saw your website on the screen. I was curious and looked the website up on my own computer later that evening. I was horrified. What kind of people make their living doing what you do? Some of the products on your site were appalling. Please think carefully about what you are doing to the minds of influential children everywhere. If I see any of your shirts in my son’s laundry, I will bleach them.

– God Help You, C. from Detroit

Our Response:

Look, C…we don’t give a shit if you bleach your son’s clothes OR his mind. If you don’t want him coming to our website, there are applications that you can put on his computer that will keep him from seeing words like FUCK, SHIT, COCK, BALLS, PUSSY, ANAL BLASTING, BUKKAKE, BLOW JOBS, TWATS, TITS, and ASSHOLES. Really, though, he’s just gonna hear that shit somewhere else like school. He’s gonna buy our shirts anyway, because they fuckin’ rock. So you, like millions of other dumbfucks, need to wash the sand out of your vagina and get out of the kiddie pool.

Thanks for the Hatemail,

– FMS

Closed-Minded Fuck

From: Closed-Minded Fuck

Dear Assholes…

I was all good with your website and it made me laugh too. I don’t have a problem with the f-word at all. Your shirts are pretty funny. I looked at your religious section and I couldn’t believe what I saw. You have a shirt that says, “Jesus is Coming. Open Your Mouth” What is that? Why do you got to have that shit for sale when you got so much funny stuff without it?

Our Response:

Let’s make this perfectly clear…foulmouth believes in freedom of speech, bitch. That’s what we’re all the fuck about. Whether it be a knock on fucking your sister or fucking your god, we believe that it’s our right to do so. We’re not just for one aspect of freedom speech…Democrat or Republican, Christian or Athiest, whatever the case may be, we think everyone has the right to say FUCK YOU. Now Fuck off.

Thanks for your letter, you closed-minded fuck.

-FMS

Veggatarian Whiney Whore

From: Veggatarian Whiney Whore

I noticed that you carry a couple of items that have designs that say “If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?” and “I love animals. They make great steaks, coats, and gloves.” I’m attaching a video some of the suffering these animals go through to bring you your meat. If you only realized how obscenely we treat these poor, defenseless creatures, than you would change your mind about the things you promote. I hope that the next time that I visit your site, that you’ll have these items removed from your stock. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Our Response:

Wow. That video that you sent along with this email was perhaps the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. Don’t get me wrong, watching pigs get hung upside down and electrocuted is pretty awful, but it IS pretty funny for you to send footage of dogs and cats getting mutilated by asians. Go bitch at asians. We’re american, baby. I don’t really care how much pain a cow or pig has to go through, as long as I get my fuckin’ steak and sausage at the end of the day. I really don’t understand how fucking idiots like you can write shit to us and think it’ll do a damned bit of good. You don’t have the fucking stomach for the shit we do and say, so you weren’t going to buy shit from us anyway. You just want to fucking complain about something. Fuck you. There’s plenty of meat-eating assholes out there who want to tell the people like you how dumb they are, and we give them the means to do so. Shut the fuck up.

-the animal-eating assholes at FMS

Little Bitch Hotmail User

From: Little Bitch Hotmail User

To Foul Mouth Shirts,

this email isnt going to do any good, but it will make me feel better to write it anyway. you guys are pigs and wrong for what you do. i saw my friend wearing your shirt the other day and we got in a big fight because i didn’t want to go anywhere with her because i didn’t want to be seen out with someone who was going to wear that stuff to the mall. i don’t even remember what the shirt said but i would know what it looks like if i looked through your shirts and found it but im not going to because your stuff makes me sick. i am about to go to college and i don’t think my friend should hav shirts like that. im going to tell gher everytime i see her now. her and i are just not the same anymore.-hotmail user

Our Response:

Well, damnit. You’re just a little bitch, aren’t you? It sounds to me like you’ve tried to influence the way your friend acts and dresses probably all of her life. Thank God she’s getting a mind of her own and realizing that you’re a dominating hag-whore before she goes to college. It’s probably the best thing that’s ever going to happen to her. Wow. Maybe our originality and diversity helped her realize that she’s an individual and not just some tag-along sheep that stays by your side. That shit warms my heart. Thank you for the letter, little lady…now shut the fuck up.

-FMS

Miguel Alverez

From: Miguel Alverez (Brave enough to leave a name!)

It is funny to me to look at your website and see the things which you have for sale. I am a proud Mexican American, born in the United States of America to parents who crossed the border to be migrant workers. They did work for years and years that no white American would touch for wages that were barely enough to eat on. When I was born in the U.S., my parents wanted a life for me that they never got. I went to school and did very well and now I am in college working on my Social Work degree. When I graduate, I will help other Mexican immigrants get all that they can get out of the American system. I will help them become citizens and I will help them live the life that they always dreamed here in the United States. Mexican-American immigrants have a very hard time fitting into American society, and the language is not easy to learn for many of them because of their lack of education. You have a few shirts that say things like “English, Motherfucker. Do You Speak It?” and “Speak English or Get The Fuck Out.” Selling these shirts only helps spread a racist bias that fills American society. Wouldn’t it be better to promote unity? Think about it.

– Miguel Alverez

Our Response:

I thought about it, and I’m still pretty fuckin’ sure that I think illegal immigration is horseshit. It’s illegal, you dumbfuck. How do you know that American Citizens wouldn’t do the jobs your parents did so long ago? We’re not lazy, Miguel. I know plenty of people personally who would work hard for a fair day’s wage who don’t have jobs right now. If your parents and people like them didn’t swoop in and take jobs illegally for such a cheap wage, than American citizens would have the opportunity to work those same jobs legally for standard wages. If Mexicans, or anyone else for that matter, want to enter the United States to live the “dream” than I fucking encourage them to do so…legally. Until that happens, there are going to be plenty of people just as pissed off as I am who want to see illegal immigrants to learn english and to stop thinking of themselves as “special”. Shut the fuck up, Miguel.

-FMS

Upset Mommy

From: Upset Mommy

To The “Gods Upon a Mountain”,

I’ve seen the website for the shirts, and I have to say that you guys have no social manners or political correctness at all. What is with that? I heard the complaint from heaven call and I feel sorry for what you guys did to that poor lady. She was only concerned about the content of the interweb, which I have to agreee is awful these days. You cannot go anywhere without getting popups about porno and awful things that I don’t want my daughter ever to see. You guys treated that lady like she was the scum of the earth, when its actualy YOU GUYS who are scum. I know you guys are going to laugh at this letter, but I don’t care. It needs to be said. Be nicer to people who have complaints, because you’ll run your customers off if you’re so mean.

Our Response:

Dear Upset Mommy,

You dumb bitch, give me a fucking break. We were mean to the poor lady in the “Call From Heaven” conversation? Really? We didn’t go hunting that bitch down to give her shit. She called US. She stuck her nose in OUR fucking business. She was so self-important that she thought that we would give a shit about her opinion. For every 100 shirts we sell, we get a phone call or a letter like yours that bitches us out about our content and what we do. It’s really quite simple, sweetheart: if you don’t like us, fuck off and never come back. Never utter the name of Foul Mouth Shirts to anyone again ever. We don’t give a shit. There are enough freedom-loving assholes out there who will buy our shit just because it gives them a chance to “say” shit out loud that they’ve always wanted to say. It’s a rare thing to be able to tell the world to “fuck off” and to get away with it. We make that happen, so in the theme of who we are and what we do…I would proudly like to tell you to FUCK OFF AND SHUT UP.

-FMS

Random Bullshit

From: Random Bullshit

foul mouth shirts suck ass and everything you do sucks ass. get off my internet and fuck you. i ghope you guys die and never get laid again. fuck foulmouthshirts.com. im out.

Our Response:

Wow. I mean…wow. What the fuck is this? I hope that some bored kid wrote this and not anyone over the age of 10. Holy shit, I just realized that the fate of America rests in the not-so-capable hands of fucknuts like you. We are fucking doomed. You are right. You’re out. Out of your fucking mind.

-FMS

God Bless (my balls)

From: God Bless (my balls)

Your shirts are completely tasteless and offensive. I guess that is what you want. I saw your add in my new issue of Rolling Stone and thought that I would look you up. What kind of person are you to think that a small little warning would keep kids off this site? It is websites like yours that are corrupting our kids. I can’t believe that you would wear these shirts around. Who are going to be the ones to protect our children if not the adults?

Your shirts are sexist, racist and just purely tasteless. But I guess that is what you want, and you don’t seem to care about where this country is going. It is people like yourself that are sending this country strait to hell. Speaking of which, why out all the things should you make fun of Jesus, our Lord and Savior? You are damned and I pray for your soul and the soul of every person with so much hate in them. When a Republican is re-elected I hope that he sees sites like yours and closes you down along with every abortion clinic. The children are our future.

God Bless

Our Response:

Dear God Bless,

We make fun of Jesus because it’s funny. If Jesus can’t laugh at our jokes, than he’s a pompous douchebag that I wouldn’t want for my “Lord and Savior” anyway. God has a fucking sense of humor, otherwise he wouldn’t have made ridiculous fucks like you for me to laugh at. Truely, we are blessed. Let us pray.

“Dear God and Jesus, please forgive us for making people mad at us. Please forgive us for making people take time out of our busy fucking day by sending us dipshit emails that we have to respond to because they’re too fucking idiotic to ignore. Please make their urine turn into snot, kind of like when you turned water into wine. That would be funny as fuck. Amen.”

-FMS

Pointer and Laugher

From: Pointer and Laugher

Leave it to a bunch of cry baby liberals to come up with a lame ass website like yours. I understand though…you just can’t seem to get your heads out of your asses can you? I feel sorry for you actually…you’re like circus freaks..we just sit back, point, and laugh…Keep up the good work!!!

Our Response:

You’re God-damned right we’re like a group of Circus Freaks. I sit in my fucking tent all day wacking off my giant cock. They call me “Cannon, The Boy With The Giant Python Dick”. Oh, look, there’s The Foul One over there in his tent. Pay a nickle, and he’ll beat you over the head with a fucking mallet. You can point and you can laugh, fucker. We’ll be laughing with you all the way to the fucking bank. We’ll be keeping up the good work for a long, long time…probably not as long as you’re job at McD’s as a “shift leader”. Shut the fuck up.

-FMS

D.C.

From: D.C.

I was just reading online about some kids who took a very docile dog and dragged him behind a truck..needless to say the poor dog died. T-shirts like you offer that promote violence towards animals are not funny. Hence, you suck!

– D.C

Our Response:

Dear D.C.

That really sucks about that dog. It also really sucks that you’re a dumbfuck. A fucking t-shirt doesn’t make people think about killing animals for fun, no matter what the fucking shirt says. Animal cruelty comes from sociopathic crazy fucks who got touched on their dick by their uncle when they were a little kid. Our shirts make light of horrible situations, because humor makes them easier to deal with. Plus, animals in pain always sound funny to me. Shut the fuck up.

-FMS

Jesus Christ Wannabe

From: Jesus Christ Wannabe

I am very shocked about the material you have on your shirts . I am a man who believes in Jesus Christ how dare you guys disrespect him like that. God will shine on the just as well as the unjust.I was looking for some shirts but I will take my business else where.

Our Response:

Well, damnit. I have never been so upset as when I got your email about Jesus shining on me, or whatever. I didn’t know Jesus Christ shined on anything. He must have robot eyes, or something. Robot Zombie Jesus Christ with laser eyes scares me. I pledge to lead a better life. Until then, shut the fuck up.

-FMS

Rape Victems are Funny

From: Rape Victems are Funny

Hey

I love your t-shirts and i want to buy one. But i can’t. As i was browsing thru the offensive t-shirts section, i came across a shirt that read “clench all you want… it’s still going in” heh i must say that shirt managed to offend me, although i can take most any kind of joke i really fucking can’t tolerate anything that condones rape. but yeah, i’m sure my e-mail won’t make a difference but i wanted to point that out. As i’m sure you know there are a lot of fucking stupid people on this planet, and someone might take that slogan to heart.

thanks carolyn

Our Response:

One fucking shirt made you decide not to buy a shirt, Carolyn? What the FUCK?!? REALLY? Goddamnit, you’re dumb. I’m tired of fucking selling shirts to people like you who don’t respect the sexual devient population of America. Just because someone has an uncontrollable urge to rape women, doesn’t make them a bad person. There are date-rapers all across the country who want a shirt that says “Clench All You Want, It’s Still Going In.” We cater to all assholes, not just you. Shut the fuck up.

-FMS

Complaining Assclown

From: Complaining Assclown

I just want you to know that you guys are disgusting. I am absolutely sure that very few people if ANY are buying these horrible shirts. You can’t be making any money by spreading this filth. No wonder the rest of the world hates us. Why don’t you just do us all a favor and take this crap off the internet?

Our Response:

Dear Complaining Assclown,

Fuck you, you sniveling cuntrag. We are the fucking Gods Upon a Mountain, asshole. We not only make money doing what we’re doing, we make a SHITLOAD of money doing it. That probably validates either the nonexistance of God, or the existance of the Devil. I’m not sure which yet. As for the rest of the world hating us? Fuck them. We sell shirts all across the world, you wet shit-sneeze. Everyone but you loves us. Shut the fuck up, already.

-FMS

Self Righteous Cunt

From: Self Righteous Cunt

At first i wasn’t even going to dignify your website with a letter, but the more i looked through your website the more i realized that this was worse than pornography. You t-shirts are what’s wrong with this country. There should be laws preventing people from saying things like what your shirts say. This country was founded on God. How dare your website pretend that the founding fathers meant free speech to protect scum like yourselves? I am going to write my congressman to try to get him to make such forms of expression ilegal so we can shut filth like you down!

Our Response:

Oh boy, look what we have here! Another self-righteous cunt who thinks she’s the sherriff of the fucking internet. Go write your congressman, lady. Go ahead and do whatever it is that you have to do to make yourself feel fucking special. I know that sitting around your house and talking to your cats isn’t quite as fulfilling as you thought your life would be. I know that getting behind the “clean internet” cause makes your life feel better since you failed to find a man to marry and have kids with. Free speech belongs to everyone, not just you and people you approve of. Fuck off and shut up.

-FMS

High Brow Blow-Hard

From: High Brow Blow-Hard

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid low-brow bullshit humor. What the hell, people? Get some shirts that are funny, but make people think about the joke. Just having a shirt that says “fuck you” isn’t enough. You guys owe it to your customers to offer a better selection of smart shirts. Until then, I’ll take my business elsewhere.

Our Response:

Well, fuck. I guess we’re stupid and low-brow because we’re putting shit on shirts that people wish they could say out loud. We’re not dumb, asshole. We’re fucking GENIUSES. Everyone who buys one of our “low-brow” shirts, doesn’t buy them because they wouldn’t get some witty joke. They buy them because they are simple, raw, and to the fucking point. Our Foul Mouth Fucks don’t mince words. Our Foul Mouth Fucks get right to the fucking point and tell the world to FUCK OFF. Now shut the fuck up, smart-ass.

-FMS

Shit Stain

From: Shit Stain

I was seaching through the interweb for t-shirts, and I saw your site. I stopped and read through some of the shirts you have available. Most of them are really good, but there are a few that turn me off really bad. “Fuck The Police” and your new shirt that says “Jesus is Coming. Don’t Worry, We’ll Crucify Him Again” are especially bad. There are a few others that hit me the wrong way, but I’m sure you know which ones are really bad and which are okay. Take off the really bad shirts and people like me will buy from you guys. Thanks for your consideration.

Our Response:

Fucking fuck, you fucking dick-suck. How many god-damned times do I have to tell you little pricks the same shit over and over again? If you don’t like our shit, don’t fucking buy it. I sincerely don’t fucing care. We make plenty of fucking cash from the people with BALLS out there who aren’t afraid of expressing themselves loud and fucking proud. We service to you and your cowardly kind, than we lose everyone else. Frankly, I don’t want you with us. You are weak and scared. I want my real Foul Mouth Fucks with me when we crash down the doors of hell and fucking take over.

P.S. – People who use the term “interweb” are shit-stains.

-FMS

Gay Dude on a Mission

From: Gay Dude on a Mission

I was highly offended at seeing a burning pride flag on your website. As a gay man, it disgusts me that people like you promote hate and prejudice in our society by selling sensless gay-bashing products. I am asking you to pull this tshirt from your line along with the other anti-gay slogans your company seems to think are “funny.” I, for one, do not find hate funny at all.

Our Response:

How dare you, sir. How dare you say that we are promoting “hate speech” with our new shirt design that features a rainbow-colored flag being burnt. That is so wrong it is obscene. So what if it is a rainbow flag being burned? So what if the rainbow flag has been a symbol of the gay community for years and years? Our rainbow could represent anything, not just homosexuality. That shirt could represent a strong dislike of the color spectrum, or something. Think things through before you go off the deep end next time and write such a hateful fucking letter making “demands” and shit, you fag. Shut the fuck up.

-FMS

Mommy Dearest

From: Mommy Dearest

What kind of example are you setting for children who aren’t mature enough to understand the “joke”? Kids are all over the internet buying into the filth that you and others like you have on your websites. Seriously, you are the reason why I encourage everyone to write their congressmen and fight to get this brain-washing trash off the internet.

Our Response:

Kids can suck my dick. Wait a minute…I don’t mean that. I don’t like fucking children, nor have I ever expressed an interest in fucking children. YOU can suck my dick. Kids who cruise the Internet unsupervised have poor parents, and if they have poor parents, than you can bet that they probably would have turned out to be pretty shitty grown-ups anyway. I think your real problem is just that you don’t like us, shit-heel. You’re struggling to think of a reason why we should be “shut down”, so you’ll go back to the whole “we have to protect our kids” arguement. Fuck that, and fuck you. Shut the fuck up.

-FMS

Guatamalan Fucker

From: Guatamalan Fucker (literally. he fucks Guatamalens)

i am so sick of seeing all this anti immigrant bullshit. my wife is an immigrant from Guatamala…a LEGAL immigrant. shirts like yours promote racism and prejudice towards all people of color, legal or not. get that shit off you site.

Our Response:

You have a wife from Guatamala? Wow. How does that mail-order wife shit work? I know she’s legal, because that’s why she married your pathetic ass, right? I was always curious about how to get a mail-order wife. Can you send them back if they don’t give good head or don’t take it in the ass? Please get back with me with this information. I appreciate your time and attention in this matter. Otherwise, shut the fuck up.

-FMS

Weed Hater Fuckbag

From: Weed Hater Fuckbag

Okay, I am fine with cussing. I am even okay with most of the sexually explicit stuff you have on your website. But all of your shirts promoting marijuanna just take it too far. I don’t think you should have anything that encourages people to partake in the illegal usage of marijuanna. PERIOD. Remove all such content and you’ve got a pretty decent site.

Our Response:

Are you fine with cussing? That’s great. You have a problem with weed, though? AWWWW! Poor little fucker! If you smoked weed, you wouldn’t be so upset about this issue. The problem with your fucking statemet is this, though: WE DON’T PROMOTE THE USE OF MARIJUANNA, ASSHOLE! We sell weed shirts because there are weed smokers out there who don’t feel that the government is correct in it’s fucking policies. It’s a form of political activism, you dumb cunt. Let people express themselves however they want, you oppressive bitch, and smoke a joint. It’ll help you calm down and shut the fuck up.

-FMS

Prissy Bitch

From: Prissy Bitch

I was looking for a cool, witty tshirt with a touch of femininity but was shocked at what I found in your women’s tshirts section. Your shirts aren’t witty at all, just tasteless. Good luck finding a woman trashy enough to wear a shirt that says “I’m too drunk to fuck. Just lick it.”

Our Response:

You dumb slut. You want a witty slogan with a touch of femininity? Fuck off. That aint what we’re about, lady. When people smile at us, we rub grit and shit into their teeth. Nothing we have is going to be “sweet” or “cute” or even exhibiting a “touch of femininity”. It just so happens that there are shit-tons of trashy bitches out there who love being sexy and hot. There are chicks out there who love fuckin’ on the first date, because they want to grind on a dick until they have a mind-blowing orgasm. You’re a teasing little slut, but you aint our kind of slut. Shut the fuck up.

-FMS

Rebel-Fuckin’-Pride

From: Rebel-Fuckin’-Pride

you all are shitheads an you got no respect for us at all. we get shit from people all the damn time about the way we talk an about being from the south but you guys go to far. i saw on your internet that you have all kinds of shirts making fun of southern pride and rebel stuff. that shit aint cool, man. we got enough people talkin bad about us.

Our Response:

What? You dumb, fuckin’ hick…we ARE Southerners! I don’t think we have a damn thing on the whole fuckin’ website that talks shit about rednecks. Jesus Christ, dude, you are doing NOTHING to help the cause. The email you sent us was so fuckin’ stupid, that I half-expect you to have sent it from the computer at a home for retards. Come on, man. At least TRY to remember some shit you learned in elementry school before you write us another fuck-tarded email. Shut the fuck up before you embarrass the rest of us.

-FMS

Fuck Paranoia

From: Fuck Paranoia

Time to wake up, people! The government is insane, but not as insane as you guys! You want to provoke the CIA and NSA and God knows who else into waging an all-out war against us? It’s okay to speak out against the government, man, but you guys are taking it too far! As much as everybody hates Bush and wants him out of office, you can’t sell shirts that say those kinds of things about him! “What’s Worse For America? Drugs or Dope?” “Bush Lied and People Died?” Jesus, man. They’ll shut you down for that shit!

Our Response:

Calm down, fella. The government is not going to shut us down, cause if they try…we’ll drag them across the coals of the fucking legal system until they beg for mercy. You sound kind of paranoid, man. You taking any medications? I think you may be one or two sharp blows to the head away from living in a cabin in the woods and mailing your dirty skivvies to congressmen. We’ll say whatever the fuck we WANT to say about George W. Bush, because we have the RIGHT to say whatever the fuck we want. Shut the fuck up, man. You’re scaring me.

-FMS

Shit-Eating Debbie

From: Shit-Eating Debbie

I love the internet radio show that you guys do, but I have oneproblem with it. For a couple of weeks, you guys jumped on the “2 Girls 1 Cup” bandwagon and stared reviewing horrible videos like that on your “Worst of the Net” segment. WTF, guys? My curiosity got the better of me and I went to the awful sites you guys reviewed and got REALLY SICK at work. Even tho I heard Cannon throwing up on the radio show, I still went there and saw what these poor women were forced to do to each other. Don’t promote these horrible acts on your show.

Our Response:

Don’t you “WTF” me, my good friend. While I appreciate that you are a fan of “The Cpt. Cuntbuster and Cannon Show (feat. Melons)”, I think you need to man-up and get the fuck over it. You took your fate into your own hands when you went and watched those videos, buddy. You heard the horrible descriptions and violent reactions Cannon had when he threw up in the trash during some of those clips. As for the women beings “forced” to do those horrible things, FUCK THAT. Those chicks were offered money and they took it. As long as they are grown-ups, I don’t give a shit what they do on film. Even if they have an insatiable meth addiction, they’re still the masters of their own god-damned destiny. Shut the fuck up…and thank again for your support.

-FMS

Barack’s Bitch

From: Barack’s Bitch

Barack Obama is a good man. He is the only chance our country has to save itself from a horrible economic fate. I’m not asking your website to endorse Obama’s political campaign, but I am asking you to take off your shirt that says “Obamanation”. I thought this was a possitive shirt at first, but then I realized that you were making a play on the word “Abomination.” Is he an abomination because he’s black? That would be a callous thing to say, if that’s what you are implying. Do something possitive for America and take this shirt off your site.

Our Response:

What the FUCK, dude? Seriously? Your panties are in a bunch because we have a political shirt up that makes fun of Obama’s name? I’m pretty sure that if he’s a good enough political canidate for the Presidency, then he’ll be able to overcome this enormous fucking hurdle. And what’s this shit about Obama being black? Are you serious? We’re probably gearing the whole “Obamanation” thing towards the fact that it’s FUNNY. It’s a play on words. Republicans buy the shirt because they hate Democrats. Shut the fuck up and quit reading into shit that aint there. Jesus Christ.

-FMS

Republican Pissy-Pants

From: Republican Pissy-Pants

Fuck REPUBLICANS? No…Fuck YOU, assholes! What the fuck are you doing, selling a damned shirt that has three Donkeys (democrats) gang-fucking an elephant (republican)? That shit aint cool, man. We have an election coming up, and the Republican party has enough shit to deal with without you guys making it worse.

Our Response:

Goddamn, dude. I like your style. You’re a Foul Mouth Fuck and you don’t even know it. Considering the fact that you’re a creature after my own heart, I’ll take it easy on you. Don’t be a dumbass. You act like we’re a fucking billboard on Times Square that’s advertising gang-fucks on Republicans. It’s a t-shirt. If you’ll notice, we sell a “Fuck Democrats” shirt that’s awfully fucking similar. We cater to everyone who has something to say, dude. Shut the fuck up and buy a “Fuck Democrats” shirt.

-FMS

Dumbest Dude Ever

From: Dumbest Dude Ever.

who is Mike Hawk? is he an indepandant canidate? if foul mouth supports him then maybe i should too, right? HA! just joking. foul mouth shirts is awesome but you guys arnt gonna get me to vote for some no-name dude.

Our Response:

Okay, this doesn’t technically fall under the “Hate Mail” category, because you seem all about the Foul Mouth Empire. However, I’m afraid that you are too stupid to allow to live. Do not be alarmed, but there may be a Foul Mouth Extermination Crew on their way to your house to “ask you some questions”. Come on, dude. “Mike Hawk for President?” That t-shirt is a JOKE, dude. Let me help you out: “Mike Hawk” sounds like “My COCK”. Get it now, dumbfuck? MY COCK for President. Shut the fuck up and get the joke.

-FMS

No-Name Republican Fuck

From: No-Name Republican Fuck

I am a customer who’s bought a shit-load of shirts, guys. I’ve bought several damn pro-republican shirt you guys sell, and I love them. They’re all good quality and everything. I just checked your new shirts and you guys have a shirt that says January 20, 2009 The End of an Error. Fuck you guys, Bush was the greatest President ever. He mde it to the Top 10 Presidents of all Time list, didn’t he?

Me

Our Response:

It doesn’t fucking matter to me how bad fucking George-Fucking-W-Fucking-Bush was during his presidency. I don’t give a fuck how many “Top 10” lists the dude made, people hate his fucking guts. The simple fact is this: alot of people think he fucking sucks. Therefore, we are going to sell a shirt that celebrates his vacancy of the Oval Goddamned Office. Thanks for buying Republican shirts, cause that’s why we make them…so Republicans will buy them. We sell shirts like the one you are bitching about because Democrats buy them. Shut the fuck up and let us run our fucking business.

-FMS

Ball Sucking Fan

From: Ball Sucking Fan

Dear Foul Mouth Shirts dot com,

You guys suck my balls.

Sincerely,

Me

Our Response:

Dear “Me”,

No, motherfucker…suck MY balls. Send me another worthless fucking email that wastes my time, and I’ll fucking corckscrew kick you in the fucking torso. When you are ready to suck my balls, send me an email to let me know that you are on the fucking way, because I’m going to fuck the nastiest skank I can find. I’m not going to bathe until you get here, either, so that my balls have a nice vinegar taste. I want to make sure you get a little something to coat your teeth when you get to sucking on my balls. Shut the fuck up, and congratulations on pissing me off enough to make it to the Hate Mail page, assclown.

Your Friends,

-FMS

Mr. Fucking Meddlesome

From: Mr. Fucking Meddlesome

Hatemongers and weirdos:

What in the heck is wrong with you? Surfing the Internet is getting more and more dangerous as the years go by. I was just cruising through YouTube to check out videos and I came across your 4th of July fireworks show. That was pretty awesome. I dug a little deeper and watched your “Human Paint Mixer” video right after that. I’m sorry, but who ever told you that watching 6 minutes of fat people throwing up is fun to watch was WRONG and an idiot to boot. I couldn’t resist, so I went to foulmouthshirts.com here and saw some of the worst shirts I’ve ever seen in my life. This stuff is way too cruel and mean to sell. You guys are doomed for failure. You should quit now before you ruin more than your own lives.

Our Response:

Dear Meddlesome Assclown,

Fuck you and your opinion. I’m afraid all of the hatemongers are busy right now, so you’ll have to deal with the resident weirdo at the moment. I know you are a little shocked and in awe right now of all that the Foul Mouth Empire stands for, but you are just going to have to get right the fuck over it. It seems to me that our insidious plan worked. Our YouTube videos led you to the website, and you were SUPPOSED to get over your fucking lame-assness and buy a shirt. You didn’t, though, and that makes me fucking hate you more than you hate us…which is pretty impressive. I’m also very happy to inform you that we are NOT doomed for failure. We are fucking awesome and people who aren’t chickenshit love us. People buy our shit by the fucking bucket-loads. It’s going to take more than your whiney horseshit to keep us down, asshat. Shut the fuck up.

P.S. Fat people throwing up will always be funny.

-FMS

Captain Cuntbuster (is an assclown)

From: Captain Cuntbuster (is an assclown)

Dear Cannon,

You are a fat shit. Quit it. Go be fat somewhere else. Tell Cuntbuster he’s awesome and he’s the coolest fucking Radio guy ever. Tell him that he should start an Internet Radio Personality School to teach other people how to be awesome on the Internet.

You suck, Cannon.

Our Response:

I’m pretty mad at myself for not realizing that this was actually Captain Cuntbuster. The email address “cuntbuster@foulmouthradio.com” should have clued me in right away, but it took a minute. If I wasn’t such a callous asshole, you would have hurt my feelings. Instead, you just pissed me the fuck off. Prepare for vengence.

You suck way more than I do. Shut the fuck up and let me work.

-FMS

Illegible as Fuck

From: Illegible as Fuck

i cant stpo coming here and looking at all of this filthy shit you have. i cant beleive that this is stuff people really buy!!! how do you guys make money doing this!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? you are like evil clowns that make babies cry.

Our Response:

I cannot tell you how much I enjoy getting this half-legible shit that people send us. This shit looks like something that a mad scientist pulled out of the mind of a really intelligent chimpanzee. How many fucking exclamation points do you need to get your goddamn point across? One works for me! See? Didn’t that seem excited enough to you? All I can say to you is that you should keep coming to the website until you find something toned-down enough for your cowardly-as-fuck sensibilities, but I doubt it. Quit worrying about what other people think, because I know that that’s whats keeping you from buying something. Shut the fuck up and buy something.

-FMS

Pot Enthusiast

From: Pot Enthusiast

4/20 is not a holiday. I can’t STAND you pot head fuckers. I have never seen nor bee around someone who was high who didn’t irritate the shit out of me. Maybe you guys should spend less time getting stoned and more time working and being fucking productive members of society? Sounds like a good idea to me. Fuck 4/20. I won’t be buying shit from you guys until after that stupid, waste of calender space non-holiday.

Our Response:

I felt it necessary to get REALLY high before I responded to your email, sir. I’m really surprised that I had enough initiative to get off my ass and write this, but…holy shit! I did! Pot heads do productive shit, man, and you don’t give them enough fucking credit. I think you’re just jealous of everyone’s good times when you’re around high people. That’s why you get so irritated. You’re a jealous douch-face. Go ahead and take a break from making any purchases until after 4/20. We’re way too busy to get your order because of all of the bad-as-fuck Pot Shirts we’ll be making. Ease up and shut the fuck up, dude. Seriously.

-FMS

Another Gay Dude.

From: Another Gay Dude.

God-damnit, guys. “I’ve Got Nothing Against Gay People (It’s Their Faggot Friends I Can’t Stand)”? That shit isn’t even funny. It’s a thin disguise to hide a direct assault against homosexuals. What makes it REALLY bad, is that you are pandering it to the public so that HUNDREDS of people can wear this piece of shit shirt out to bars and clubs and malls everywhere, where kids can read it and laugh. Go ahead and laugh at the funny fags, kids! It’s okay! Screw you guys.

Our Response:

WHOA there, my fine friend! Calm the fuck down! Re-apply another coat of lube to your butt-plug so you can get comfortable, because you need to pay attention to some shit right here: We don’t give a fuck what you think. Don’t take it personally, cocksmoker. We don’t care what ANYONE thinks about us, and it doesn’t have anything to do with how many cocks you’ve sucked or what color your fucking skin is or what weird fucking god you pray to. If we think something is fucking funny, we’re going to make it into a fucking shirt. It doesn’t matter how un-Politically Correct it is or how many fucking assholes like you who cry about it. If we want to make a shirt about Ethopian babies with fucking AIDS, then we’ll fucking do it. Wow. That gives me a great idea for a fucking shirt! Shut the fuck up and dry your eyes, sweetie-pie.

-FMS

razrw1re

From: razrw1re

i think you guys pick on people too much. i think you guys can be really really cruel when people are just trying to give you honest-to-god-advice on how to run your business better. don’t you think that its bad business to just ignore your customers and to disregard stuff they tell you when it could make things you do be so much better?!? just remember who you guys represent.

Our Response:

Okay, “razrw1re”, you sound like a tough motherfucker so I’m going to watch what I say here. I don’t want you running wild on me, or whatever it is you do. We don’t ignore our customers, fuckshit. We listen very well to our customers. We love our fucking customers. The people who you say we ignore, never have and never will buy a fucking shirt. Fuck them. Even if they’ve bought a shirt, they can still kiss my ass if they start bitching about some stupid shit. That’s the fucking benefit of success. You can tell morons to “fuck off”. So…without further adiu, “razrw1re”. Fuck off and shut the fuck up.

-FMS

Denny

From: Denny

Dear FMS,

You guys are awesome, and I’ve bought lots of shit from you. I bought a new shirt from you that says Total Fucking Badass. I wanted to tell you a story that happened when I was wearing it. I wore it to a bar, and alot of people liked it and commented on it all night long. These two big guys came in towards close-time and they started making fun of me. Those fuckers thought it was funny as shit that I was wearing a shirt that says Total Fucking Badass. They kept picking on me and my two friends until I got in their faces. They totally kicked my fucking ass! You should send a pair of brass knuckles, or something, with that shirt when you sell it.

Love you fuckers!

Our Response:

I don’t mean to sound like an asshole, Denny, but don’t you think another shirt selection would have been a better choice? I mean…it sounds like you’re not really a “Total Fucking Badass”. Just a suggestion, dude, cause we’re not sending any fucking weapons to our customers. We’re on enough watch-lists as it is. Shut the fuck up, and kick some ass.

-FMS

Matthew the Fag.

From: Matthew the Fag.

What is it going to take for you to stop your violence? I am partially to blame because I bought a shirt from you once which made it possible to keep your silly little company afloat. I also am guilty of coming back often to see the depravity that you sink to. Grow up and get real jobs and stop teaching children how to make people hate them.

Our Response: Dear Faggot,

I am presuming that you are a faggot because of your bitchy, whiney email. I can almost visualize you crying while you wrote it in a faggy little fury. I, for one, have no idea what violence you’re fucking talking about. What? People get their ass kicked because they’re wearing a Foul Mouth Shirt? Who gives a shit? They were probably happy they got the chance to make a fucking statement. You should probably keep coming around, queenie, because we haven’t even begun to reach the lowest levels of out “depravity”. Dry your fucking tears and shut the fuck up.

-FMS

Frenchy Email

From: (The following email was in response to FMS telling a frenchman that we don’t ship to France. Fuck France.)

What? Fuck France? Fuck YOU, American! What are you? You are not even 500 years old! You have no hisory! I was going to make $2000 purchase but FUCK YOU now, you Bush-sucking dicks! Fuck BUSH! Fuck AMERICA! Fuck YOU! France is the greatest counrty in the world! I cannot wait until you are wiped from the world when Iran drops nuclear bombs on you!

Our Response: Oh NO! You Didn’t just say “fuck America”! Fuck YOU, frenchie! You frog motherfucker, you better watch what the fuck you say, man. That shit about America being “wiped from the world” is going to land you on some watch-lists by the CIA, and shit. You’ll go to sleep one night, and wake up the next morning in a 7 by 4 foot cell in Cuba, and shit, with a fucking electric probe stuck up your ass. You don’t fuck with us, man. America is so bad-ass, we’ll snatch you up by the fucking short-hairs and show you how we handle our shit. Watch your fucking back, frogger, and shut the fuck up!

-FMS

Rev. Scott

From: Rev. Scott

Dear Foul shirt company

I am really surprised that you sell shirts to permote violence and especially gun violence, I got robbed at gunpoint, and if it was up to you

guys, he would have been wearing a shirt you guys make!!!! “I Knife people” how can that be entertainment, I’m just really upset,

that your shirts could cause someone to hurt or even kill other people, and I think its so wrong. You guys are no different than Hitler, or the KKK or those people that carry guns in public. Shame on you guys.

Reverend Scott

Our Response: Oh, you dumb motherfucker. How dare you? How can you sit there and say that our shirts cause people to hurt one another? I’m fucking appalled. That’s like saying that television and video games cause violence. Oh wait…you dumb bastards DO say that. My fucking mistake. Well, listen. I’m really super sorry that you got robbed by gunpoint. Violence against our neighbors is an awful thing, and people like that should be kicked in the head until they’re too fucking retarded to hold a gun anymore. Of course, if you had excercised your 2nd Amendment Right to have and bear arms, then you would have been able to defend yourself against that asshole. Just something to think about while your get busy shutting the fuck up, neighbor.

-FMS

ANOTHER fucking concerned mommy

From: ANOTHER fucking concerned mommy

Dear Rude Foul People,

as a mother of 5 children, one of which that is physically hanidcap. i can’t watch them all the time. so im afraid theyll be surfing the internet and find your deplorable site. your site makes me physically sick to lok at. saying evil things about gays, blacks, women, handicap people. the “retarded people make better sex slaves” shirt is absolutely disgusting and i cant believe youd say that about people. your sick and you need to be bnned from the media world

-Melanie-

ps. i will be notifying my church pastor of your site and we will make it our goal to take down your site

Our Response: Okay, lady….this shit’s going to have to be broken up before it’ll go down the commode.

1) You have 5 children? Your fucking vagina is NOT a clown car. There’s no need to squirt out that many drooling fuckwits. Speaking of fuckwits…

2) Your retarded kid surfs the web too? That’s a pretty good accomplishment, considering that they’re fuck-tarded as shit. Your retard could probably fill a decent niche in the online porn industry. There’s not that much retard porn out there, so I’m sure there’s a demand for it.

3) We’ll never be banned from the media world, shit-hole. We do our part to show people that there’s other shit out there besides the mainstream. We help people learn how to be themselves….so fuck you.

Call your church pastor. We don’t give a fuck. We can’t be fucking stopped, asshole. We’re like the chemicals in a chemotherepy soup. We’re purging the bad shit out of society and making it better. Fuck off and shut the fuck up.

-FMS

Cruisin’ the Web

From: Cruisin’ the Web

I was cruising the web the other day when I stumbled upon your website. I immediately noticed the half naked woman on your website with stickers that say FUCK YOU. Well that is what this email is all about. Me giving whoever works for this disgusting website a big FUCK YOU! How dare you contribute to degradation of women and society. You have shirts that glorify sex and rape ANAL RAPE i might add.

I’m all for freedom of speech but this is ridiculous. Your website is scum…and if I had my way I would have you shut down. I will be calling my congressman.

Our Response: HAHAHAHAHAHA! You fuckin’ said anal rape. That’s pretty Goddamn awesome. I’d ask you what fucking shirt you’re talking about, but I’d really prefer never to have to hear from your dumb fucking ass again. What the fuck kind of problem do you have with half-naked bitches? Half-naked bitches are what makes the the world go ’round, lady! It’s not like these chicks are being held at gunpoint, or anything. They’re doing it for the GLORY and the CASH! They’re doing it because they love Foul Mouth Inc. They’re doing it because they like the idea of a bunch of dudes staring at their awesome boobs. Hell, I have a good idea! Why don’t YOU send in some sticker-titties? We could use some saggy old-lady tits to make the other chicks look even hotter in comparison. Shut the fuck up and get naked already.

-FMS

Stoppin’ to Think

From: Stoppin’ to Think

I’M SURE LOTS OF SICK PEOPLE BUY YOUR FILTHY SHIRTS AND THAT IS WHY YOU KEEP PRODUCING TONS OF THIS CRAP. BUT HAVE YOU PEOPLE EVER STOPPED TO THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU’RE DOING TO THE WORLD? MONEY ISN’T EVERYTHING.

THINK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS THE FIRST TIME SOME SWEET AN INNOCENT PERSON READS ONE OF YOUR DISCUSTING SHIRTS WHEN THEY’RE ON THIER WAY TO CHURCH AND THEY STOP FOR GAS AND SEE SOME SCUM BAG PUMPING GAS AND WEARING ONE OF YOUR SHIRTS? HAVE YOU EVER STOPPED TO THINK ABOUT THAT?

THINK OF THE DAMMAGE YOU JERKS ARE DOING.

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR MOM READING THIS CRAP OR YOUR LITTLE SISTER?

MAKES YOU STOP AND THINK HUH?

Our Response: It makes me stop and think? What the fucking fuck, man? Of COURSE it makes me stop and think. I stop and think everytime we sell one of those awesome fucking shirts that you’re bitching about. I stop and think how fucking cool it is that there are people out there like us who say whatever the fuck they want, whenever the fuck they want to say it. You’re god-damn right. Money ISN’T everything. Sometimes it’s just fucking good enough to know that I’m helping to change the world just a little bit. Sometimes it’s good enough to know that we inspire people to break away from what is “normal” and “innocent.” If your weren’t such a self-righteous douche, you’d realize that no one is innocent. We’re all sinners, baby. Some of us just enjoy more then others. Shut the fuck up and suck my balloon-knot.

_-FMS

Officer Douche

From: Officer Douche

Dear Sirs and Maams of http://www.foulmouthshirts.com:

I am an officer of the law for a small county in Kansas. I have looked through your website, and I believe you owe an apology to every man and woman who serves their city as a peacekeeper and an enforcer of justice. I arrested a young man for skateboarding on city property, resisting arrest, and disorderly conduct. He was wearing a t-shirt depicting a sexual act being performed on a police officer with the slogan “F**k The Police” over the art. I asked the perpetrator where he could have gotten such a shirt, and he told me he purchased it from your website. I suggest you pull that product immediately.

Our Response: Oh, look. What a fucking surprise. It’s a small-town cop with a fucking bully complex. Did you arrest that dude because he was skateboarding, or did you arrest him because you didn’t like the way he looked? Did you just get your flak-jacket all in a bunch when you saw his shirt? I fucking bet you did, you power-tripping piece of shit. The reason we sell that fucking shirt is because of douche-bags like you. No ammount of stern emails will ever make us take a fucking thing off of our website, Officer Douche, because we don’t fucking HAVE TO. It’s our fucking right to say whatever the fuck we want to say whenever the fuck we want to say it. The dude you arrested is going to get off with a slap on the wrist. Does it piss you off that all you succeeded in doing was ruining his afternoon? Trivial bullshit. It’s all I expect from fucks like you. Thank you for serving your city, sir. Now fuck off and shut the fuck up.

-FMS

Too Much With The Guns

From: Too Much With The Guns

enough with the damn guns already. yu can’t keep shoving this second amendment shit down our throats all the damn time. some of us just dont think the way you do, guys, and its getting real old real quick. its justy too much with the guns, man. im not some kind of super liberal or anything, but FMS seems to just flood us with shirts about guns when you could be putting up more shirts about shit like Mcain being a total douchebag. its too much with the guns. you cant make everyone who comes to FMS buy a gun. some of us just think about it different then you.

Our Response: Yeah, we get it. It’s “too much with the guns”. You obviously feel strongly enough about it so that you need to say the shit twice in your email. We respect how you feel about gun ownership and we also appreciate that you stop by the Foul Mouth Empire enough to see what new shirts are coming in. All of that aside, fuck you. Fuck you right up your victimized ass. In fact, I think I’d like for you to send us your address so that we can hire a big, burly, big-dicked asshole to come to your house to rape you. He’ll get away with it too. Do you want to know why? He’ll get away with it because you are a defenseless, weak victim. You actively make the decision to welcome strangers to come ass fuck you each day you spend without a weapon in your home to defend yourself. We have so many pro-gun shirts because we feel strongly about our 2nd Amendment Rights, and we want everyone else to as well. Enjoy your future ass-rapings and shut the fuck up.

-FMS

Underwood Fan

From: Underwood Fan

I am a HUGE Carrie Underwood fan, and I support her decision to appreciate animals as neighbors on our earth and not as products. She is a beautiful person, even voted as PETA’s sexiest vegetarian of the year for two years in a row! Saying all of that, I think that you don’t really have to eat meat to be a “Real Girl”. Real girls know how to treat living things: with love, respect, and adoration. You should have a shirt too that says something like “Real Girls Eat Veggies”. That would be so cool. I would buy that in a heartbeat.

Our Response: Oh, you silly little veggie-eating twat. This is a t-shirt site that deals in offensive material. Saying that, who the FUCK do you think is going to buy a shirt that says “Real Girls Eat Veggies”? I mean, yeah, it offends the shit out of me, but I’m a meatatarian so veggies apall the fuck out of me. Just the thought of a fucking stalk of celery makes me want to gag in revulsion. We’ll have a pro-vegetarian shirt when hell freezes over and I’m ice-skating on the Lake of Fire with Hendrix and Cobain while we’re eating bacon sandwiches and drinking KFC gravy. Fuck vegans. Fuck vegetarians. Fuck Carrie Underwood. Shut the fuck up.

-FMS

Palin’s Support

From: Palin’s Support

This has been a long, trying road for us during this presidential run for the White House. Many ups and downs have come during these past few months, and everyone that I know has been weathering the political storm. We all knew that Hillary was a poor choice for president, and I believe that the democratic voters did well to keep her out of the race. I was proud, though, because she was a woman and she had done so well getting to where she was without the help of a trustworthy man. Now we have Sarah Palin involved, who is not only a woman but a Republican too! I am so proud to be a woman.

My question is this: what gives you the right to bring this woman down in such a way? You have taken everything away from her that she’s accomplished as Governer of Alaska and turned her into nothing more then another pop-icon sex symbol. Good job, foulmouthshirts.com. Way to prove what pigs you really are.

Signed,

Palin Supporter.

Our Response: Here we fucking go again. Another lady who thinks that her pussy doesn’t stink. Another fucking chick who thinks that women should be immune to jokes and public scrutiny just because she has a fucking vagina. Why would you say that we’re pigs? I fucking LOVE Sarah Palin. She’s so fucking…smart, or something. She has such large…ambitions. I can’t help it that she’s hot as fuck, lady. She knew what she looked like when she accepted the offer of the Vice Presidency, and McCain knew what she looked like when he asked. She’s fucking eye-candy and nothing more. McCain needed someone black or someone with a vagina, and he figures Sarah Palin is most likely canidate not to get in his fuckin way if he becomes President. If I want to think of Palin as a sex symbol, then there’s no one who can fucking stop me. Shut the fuck up and let me enjoy my fantasies.

-FMS

Foul Mouth Radio Hater

From: Foul Mouth Radio Hater

Oh, what the hell? I’ve listened to your radio show twice now. Once because it looked like it might be funny, and once again just to make sure that I hadn’t made a mistake and you three dillweeds were as stupid as I thought you were. The whole show just seemed like a penis-size contest with how much Cuntbuster and Cannon talk about sex, and “Melons” is just a slut. Your unprofessionalism is a joke. Stick to the t-shirts and leave Internet radio for people who give a crap about what they’re doing.

Our Response: Oh, you little fucking shithead! We have the best fucking Internet Radio show out there, and you’re a dumbfuck for not recognizing it. No, we don’t sound like everyone else’s shows…and that’s a fucking good thing. We come from a place that emphasizes that we say whatever the fuck we want whenever the fuck we want to say it. Considering that you’re the only email that we’ve ever gotten that says we suck, I’m going to have to kindly disagree with you and formally request that you suck the dried cum off the end of my dickhole. You hurt Melons feelings, too! Now she’s going to develop a complex that makes her not to want to suck random cock at parties. You’ve done wicked harm here, asshole. Shut the fuck up and go listen to some shitty show.

-FMS

Yankee Asshole

From: Yankee Asshole

I just wanted to tell you that you guys would be really cool if you didn’t have all of that redneck shit on your website. I don’t know why you have all of this awesome shit and then you have stuff for ignorant rednecks too. What’s up with that?

Our Response: You dumb, yankee fuck! What makes you think that every person in the South is a fucking redneck? Am I a goddamn redneck? Fuck no, I’m not. What makes you think that everyone who has Southern Pride is ignorant? That fucking statement right there shows what an ignorant fuck YOU are. We run this fucking company how we want, and if you don’t like it you can go buy shit from one of those softcore t-shirt companies out there. We don’t give a fuck, man! We make plenty of cash from fuckers who don’t give a shit about our Southern Shirt selection and from the “rednecks” that buy them, so FUCK YOU. We have Southern Shirts because some people (dumb shits like you) find them offensive. We carry Southern Shirts because some people out there wear them with pride, and we’re all about giving people a voice to say whatever the fuck they want to say…so shut the fuck up.

-FMS

Senator Fuckface

From: Senator Fuckface

To Whom It May Concern:

After this office recently received several emails from a prominent church in my home district, I felt it was my responsibility to research the issue at hand in order to better communicate with the constituency of our district. What I found upon my research was disturbing, to say the least. This email is meant as a courtesy calling to alert you that the eye of the United States government is now upon you. You would be best advised to clean up your image or risk the involvement of all the power I can bear against you. You have now been warned.

Signed,

(Some Douchebag Senator)

Our Response: Oh REALLY? A Senator? From the real-life government!?! Oh GOD, we’re DOOMED! Dude, seriously. Your email address doesn’t have a “.gov” anywhere in it. In fact, your email address is from a fucking CHURCH! I’m sure you Bible-thumping kid-touchers did everything you could to get your local senator to pay attention to your lame little squeals of unhappiness. I’m also pretty sure you all got courtesy letters written by Senate Aides that all said the same damn thing: “Thank you bringing this matter to my attention, dear sirs and/or madaams. We will look into this matter with all the haste of God and His Angelic Host. Don’t forget to vote! For me!” Whatever. I’m sure I’m not too far off the mark, right? Keep trying to get your government officials to shut us down, and you’ll one day realize that THEY CAN’T FUCKING TOUCH US! We’re protected by Free Speech, bitches! Fucking Joe Biden’s offices bought shit from us, AND President-Elect Obama’s Press secretary bought some shirts from us during their campaign! It sounds like the elected officials you’re trying to get after us have better senses of humor then YOU do. Shut the fuck up and suck on my Freedom Stick!

-FMS

A Dirty Nagger

From: A Dirty Nagger

I am dropping out of your fucking mailing list today because of your shitty, racist bullshit. Everyone has seen this stupid fucking joke before, so I don’t even know why you are rehashing it. I keep waiting and waiting for you to realize that what your doing isn’t “free speech”. It’s just lame fucking jokes designed to piss people off. That’s not free speech. That’s hate. You are merchants of hate. Good job.

Our response: Oh my dear God. You are so fucking right, dude. We are merchants of hate. I have seen the error of our ways and I dedicate all of our resources from this day forward to making shirts with butterflies and kittens and shit all over them. We’ll call it, “Butterflies-and-Kittens-And-Shit.com” and we’ll sell so many fucking shirts because everyone wants a butterfly or kitten on their shirt.

Well, actually, only whiney faggots like you want butterflies and kittens. So I guess we won’t be selling shirts with sweet shit all over them after all. If more fags bought shirts, then we would gear our product towards whiney faggots. Since they don’t, we’ll just keep selling shirts to all the bad motherfuckers out there who want to say whatever the fuck they want whenever the fuck they want.

And for your fucking information: what we do IS freedom of speech. Just because you don’t like what we’re saying doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be free. Fuck you and shut the fuck up, you limp-dick nagger.

-FMS

Rapey McRapesman

From: Rapey McRapesman

LOL! just the tip champion is a freakin awesome shirt. I had to write you cause of something that happened to me not to long ago. it was really awesome. i was at a small party where this chick who i have liked forever was at and she got SO DRUNK! when she passed out i put the head of my dick in her mouth tosee if she would suckon it in her sleep and she TOTALLY DID! LOL! this super-model-hot chick was just suckin on the head of my dick while she was passed out! it was nuts! anyway…….great shirt. i gotta get one cause i am the JUST THE TIP CHAMPION, right?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Our Response: Oh no. You stuck your fuckin’ weiner in a chick’s mouth while she was drunk and passed out? I really hate to be the fucker to tell you this, but, that shit aint really cool, man. That’s what we grown-ups like to call a “dick move”. It’s also kinda called “rape” amongst some official groups…like the police and shit. Sticking your filthy, pink dick in a chick’s mouth while she’s drunk does NOT make you the Just The Tip Champion. No, sir. It makes you a fuckin’ raping asshole. Just because I’m going to use this scenario to fuel my sexual fantasies, doesn’t make it right. I’m afraid I can’t sell you this shirt because you’re a fuckstick. No shirt for you, you fucking rapist. Now quit sticking your dick in sleeping girls and shut the fuck up.

White Power Fucker

From: White Power Fucker

I don’t understand what your company is doing. I feel like you guys have some shit that you sell that really speaks to me and makes me think you sympathize with the Aryan Cause but then I see other shit on your page that makes me think youre making fun of us. You cant have shirts on your page that make fun of black history month and then have a shirt that says “Gay Nazis For Christ”. You cant have that shit. I can guarantee that there are no gay nazis…especially none I know, so that shirt is just bullshit. If you want to support us, then make sure you don’t have other shit that makes it look like you making fun of us.

Our Response: Oh, you silly little shaven-headed white man. The worst fuckin’ mistake you could make is to think that we’re racist fucks like you. We are NOT racist, fucker! If we have a shirt that makes fun of blacks, chinks, jews, wetbacks, and Canadians, it’s because that shit is funny and a bit shocking. That’s why we’re going to make fun of you too. We make fun of EVERYONE! We like being funny and shocking. It’s gotten us pretty fucking far already. If there’s a social code of conduct, then we’re going to wipe our beautiful asses with it. Why? Because it’s fucking fun and because we CAN. We take full advantage of our Freedom of Speech, and we think anyone who doesn’t is a dumb asshole. The establishment persists all around us, making people think that people’s silly little emotions are more important than saying whatever you want, whenever the fuck you want to say it. Fuck your feelings, faggot. Shut the fuck up and get back to watching The Dukes of Hazard.

Judas

From: Judas

I was a steady customer for you guys for almost two years straight, but I had to start getting my shirts from (omitted sue-happy t-shirt company) because everything you put out now is too offensive for me to wear. jesus chirst, guys! tone it down a little! its like you just want to keep trying to see how far over the line you can jump before someone gets pissed and says something. well im saying something! stop it if you want my business!

Our Response: AW! Poor wittle guy! You had to buy your shirts from somewhere else because we got too hardcore for your sweet, little ass? That’s a damn shame. I fucking hate that for you. But…considering that sales are through the fucking roof and we don’t miss your business at all, you can go ram a pinecone up your ass. I give two shits and a fuck about your delicate sensibilities, pussyface. You just made me realize that we don’t need to jump over the line…we need to kick dirt all over the line, drop trousers, and shit all over it. Fuck pussies like you! Thanks for all your money from before, though. That was awesome. Hope you like your shirts, and go ahead and shut the fuck up.

Fat Fuck Who Fucks Fat Sluts

From: Fat Fuck Who Fucks Fat Sluts

I ordered a shirt from you guys for my wife and myself. It doesn’t fit her at all. Mine fits just fine, but do you have anything over a 5XL for my wife? I’d like to return this for a larger size. Thanks!

Our: Response HOLY FUCKING SHIT! For real?!? Your wife can’t wear a 5XL? How the fuck do you find her pussy, man? It sounds like that would be an all-day-affair kind of thing…like a trip to the zoo. Why does she even need a fucking t-shirt? Isn’t she bed-ridden, or whatever? Do you have to turn her with a forklift to keep her from getting bedsores? I’m telling you right now, man…as a friend…you should probably leave that fat whore. We’ll refund your money for the shirt. Don’t send it back, though. I’m sure you tried to squeeze it over her fat head and it’s got her fat-funk all over it. Just burn it, empty your bank account, and run away to Canada. She won’t be able to chase you, I promise. Shut the fuck up and…just…fuck, I’m lost for words.

-FMS

NSFW Guy

From: NSFW Guy

I really enjoy coming to your website and browsing through all the awesome stuff you guys have. I work at a really strict place of work and I can’t get on at work anymore. It really sucks bad because I like the Captain Cuntbuster and Cannon Show a lot. I can’t look at the Sticker Titty Girls either. It really really sucks. I hate my job so much. Do you have a version of the website thats safe for work? Please help.

Our Response: Alright, buddy. You seem like a genuine fucking fan of our shit, so I’ll help you out. Here’s my advice: GET ANOTHER FUCKING JOB! Fuck your job, dude. Fuck the recession. Delivering pizza is better then whatever the fuck it is you’re doing now. Fuck any job that censors you and keeps you from enjoying your goddamn day with a little obscene humor. As long as your get your work done, they shouldn’t give a fuck what you’re listening to. Punch your boss in the face and tell him to shut the fuck up for me. Thanks.

Jesus Lover #4,342,689

From: Jesus Lover #4,342,689

Jesus loves you. I hope one day Jesus’ light shines into you and fills you with the warmth of his love. God bless you.

Our Response: Excuse me, Jesus freak, but I don’t want Christ to fill me with warm love. That sounds pretty fucking gay. It also sounds like it would be a bitch to clean up. For future reference, please refrain from trying to set me up with any of your gay friends…including this Mexican dude named Jesus. I’m sure he’s a very nice person, but I don’t like cock…never have, and never will. Try to let Jesus down easy. I really hate hurting people’s feelings, but I’m just not fucking interested. Shut the fuck up and pray for my soul.

-FMS

Bloody Pussymouth McGee

From: Bloody Pussymouth McGee

I threw up so hard when I saw the picture you guys have to model the “I’m going to eat your period pussy until I get clown mouth”. Oh god. I just ate and I couldn’t help it. You do gross things too much. There’s a difference between gross and funny. you gotta figure that out soon. I won’t be eating before I look at your site again. Too gross.

Our Response: Oh, fuck! I know this isn’t really hate mail. I can tell that you got off a little bit on throwing up like that, sort of like as if you were a Japanese porn star. Throwing up is just another type of foreplay. So,you’re welcome for that. We can’t take that picture down, I’m afraid. I had to eat WAY too much bloody pussy before we got enough on my face for the film shoot. It was a bad day to release that shirt, because the 50 year old Hispanic lady who cleans our bathrooms was the only chick around who was menstruating, and thusly the only pussy I had to eat…and she only had a very slight flow. I had to really get in there to get her gushing enough to get blood on my face. The key to eating a bloody pussy is to NOT SWALLOW. Once you feel a blood clot going down your throat, it sort of kills the mood. Shut the fuck up and eat some pussy, motherfucker!

FMS

Joey Fatnuts

From: Joey Fatnuts

please. when i was 11 or 12 maybe, i mean really, how do you fuckin live with your lame ass child rebel bullshit self. you should join the rest of em and get on jerry springer, for employment. its no fuckin wonder why no real human can make a living any more, make a t shirt thats says that you are “the world destroyin assholes” and i’ll buy it but you have to put your personal info on the t shirt cause you are never gonna admit “you” are the asshole, just like a typical loser. have another one.

Our Response: What in the unholy fuck are you talking about, dude? I think you’ve just won. You’ve won the Most Inane, Incomprehensible Hate-Mail We’ve Ever Received Award. This shit is as close to an Epic Fail as you can get without actually hurting yourself. I’m not even sure how the fuck you could hurt yourself while writing an email, but I bet your dumbshit-self can figure it out. When it comes to being a dumbfuck, you certainly think outside the box. That’s why you win. Congratulations. All I can get from this fuckin’ thing is that we’re the cause of unemployment and that we’re going to somehow destroy the world, and that we should wear t-shirts while we do it. Oh. That’s actually the grand plan, though. I don’t know how you figured that shit out, Joey, but I’m starting to think that you’re the “Inspector Gadget” to our “Dr. Claw.” Don’t even think about trying to stop us, fucker. We’re way to powerful. What the fuck did you mean “have another one”? I’m so fucking confused. I can’t tell you to “shut the fuck up” enough without seeming repetitive…so you’re going to have to pretend that I typed it 4 million times. (Shut the fuck up) X (3.9 Million) = Not Enough.

FMS

1st Amendment Hater

From: 1st Amendment Hater

I am an American Citizen, and I am proud to live in the United States of America. I appreciate my freedoms and my job and my lifestyle. Saying that, I would like to urge your company to monitor yourselves more appropriately. Just because you have a mouth, and you know a modern language, does not mean you should say every single thing that pops into your miniscule brains…or turn it into a mass-produced product like a t-shirt, for that matter. We are civilized human beings, and we must show restraint. We must monitor ourselves to make certain that we are delivering a message of intelligence to our neighbors and to the rest of the world. I am not writing of censorship, but of responsibilities.

Our Response: Wow. Okay. So, this is probably the most profound argument against what we do that we’ve ever seen. I must add that it is EXTREMELY refreshing to see someone write us who can use some decent grammer and spelling. I hope I can offer my rebuttal as eloquently as your email did. Here it goes: FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU! Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! Was that pretty enough for you, fucker? Who the fuck are you to chide us like we’re your fuckin’ children? We’re grown-ass men, motherfucker! We run this fuckin’ business like a well-oiled machine! Dumb people can’t do that shit, so don’t presume to speak to us as if we were, asshole. Shut the fuck up and stick your “responsibility” up your tight ass!

-FMS

Becky Big-Tits

From: Becky Big-Tits

Hey! I was lookin thru your webpages and I found one for girls who wear stickers on they boobies for you and you put they pictures up, right? I wanna do that 2! I wanna be a STICKER TITTY GIRL! I got some HUGE titties! Do you guys sell shirts 2? I love t-shirts? Do you like to fuck? I LOVE fuckin! It’s my fvrite! If you guys live near Atlanta, we should totally party! You can come down here and hang out. We can get some powder and get all fucked up and do nasty things 2 each other! You can take pictures of me 2! For the STICKER TITTY GIRLS! YAY! I want 2 be a model!

Our Response: Oh my dear fucking GOD! Where the fuck do you fucking people come from? It can’t be Earth. You can’t be fuckin’ human. I dig that you have some big ass titties, and you may not even have a butter-face. Fuck, you may be hot as fuck. We just need you to be less…well, less of whatever the fuck it is you are. The Sticker Titty Girls represent the Foul Mouth Brand to thousands of horny dudes out there, and we can’t have your spastic ass scaring them off. It’s not that I wouldn’t totally enjoy seeing your tits…I’m just kind of scared of you. Maybe we should just…not email each other anymore. Shut the fuck up and quit freaking me out.

-FMS

Mouthy Little Bitch

From: Mouthy Little Bitch

My boyfriend is OBSESSED with your website, and everything. He listens to your stuoid interweb radio show and he buys one or two shirts every month. I want my boyfriend back. He buys into all of your stupid shit. Freedom of blah this and 1st amendment that. Im tired of hearing about it, honestly. He used to be cool. We used to get high and watch tv and go out and have fun. He actually got his handgun permit. My fucking boyfriend carries a gun with him ALL the TIME now because you said he should. Could you for one second realize that you have influence over peoples lifes and that you should be careful what message you send out? Thanks, assholes.

Our Response: Oh my fucking GOD, I wanna hang out with your boyfriend SO bad! He sounds like one of the coolest motherfuckers I’ve ever heard of, goddamnit! What the fuck are you complaining about? It sounds like we took him from being a lazy asshole, to actually giving a shit about his life, his country, and his freedoms! This is what the fuck we DO this shit for, goddamn it! He carries a gun now? He got his Concealed Carry Permit? Why would you bitch about that? He can protect you now against all the scary people in the world that want to rape you in your mouth-hole! Do us a favor…tell your boyfriend that he doesn’t need to hang out with your stupid ass anymore. He can come down to where we are, and we’ll drink beer, shoot guns, play video games, and write angry letters to our congressmen. We’ll have the best time ever! Shut the fuck up and let your man enjoy his freedom, woman!

Concerned People For People

From: Concerned People For People

Dear Owner of this horrible site,

You should be ashamed of yourself. You should log off for good and never, ever think about making such offensive shirts again. Never. How do you sleep at night? Besides a soft pillow…what about all the people that get offended and upset over shirts you sell. What about the poor girls that think they should put stickers over their breast for your site. You will burn in hell. I signed up a few weeks ago for your weekly letter to discuss your site with certain people. You will be hearing from us soon.

p.s. : this is on a personal note;

glad your place got smashed to the ground and who knows, maybe your father will still be able to drool from the left side of his mouth to signal he is thirsty…but, I hope not. Go to hell…where you belong.

Our Response: Okay, first of all…I’m not terribly sure this isn’t some ploy of a fan to make it into our HateMail section and into our Newsletter. It reads far too sarcastically to be serious. Then I got to the end, and my fucking blood began to boil. I’m used to people telling me that I should burn in hell. Since I don’t fucking BELIEVE in hell, it’s like you’re wishing that I spend eternity at the North Pole or Atlantis. I don’t get pissed at that shit at all. Why the fuck would you ream on my dad, though? What a fucking low blow. People like you get ballsy as fuck when you’re granted the gift of anonymity that the Internet bestows on dumb dickfaces like you. I bet your cowardly ass wouldn’t say shit like that to me in person, would you? That is, you wouldn’t if you didn’t want 400 pounds of angry man-gorilla shoved up your ass. That’s right. I want to beat you up AND rape you…just like as if we were in prison. I’m not too fuckin’ pleased right now. Also…what the fuck do you mean about my dad drooling and shit? He didn’t have a fucking stroke, you idiotic piece of shit…he had a heart attack. That doesn’t cripple you, dumbfuck. Shut the fuck up and die slow.

~FMS

Hater From Across The Sea

From: Hater From Across The Sea

Even if you did ship to my country I would like to make the rule that you do not ship me shirt any way. You are right that your name is the “foul mouth” because you are foullike the shit. I am so mad at you! I have money to spend for your shirt but I would not be spending it with you! I hates you so much! What is what with the words you are using on the front ofyour shirts? Where is the shame? You are shamed by me, I guess! I give you shame and no money!

Our Response: Oh fuck! Can we be pen-pals? I haven’t laughed that hard in a long, long time. Is English your third or fourth language? I’m betting fourth. It must suck ass to live in one of those countries with 736 native languages. I blame the fucking gypsies for that shit. I wish you were able to communicate clearly enough to tell me WHY you’re so fucking pissed off, dude. Is it the “words we are using on the front of our shirts” or is it the fact that we don’t ship shirts to scary-ass Eastern Europe? I have some questions for you! I hope that you can write back soon. Here we go…

1) Have you ever had a hand chopped off for stealing?

2) Have you ever watched a female circumcision? Was it kind of hot?

3) Do you hate Muslims, Christians, or Jews? Or all three?

4) Have you ever seen a car? I have two.

5) Have you ever sold a mother/sister/daughter to another man for a chicken?

Just curious to know what it’s like where you’re from! Mail again soon, pen-pal! Now answer my questions or shut the fuck up!

~FMS

Jews for Jesus Member

From: Jews for Jesus Member (seriously)

Official Complaint:

You have crossed the line. I am a member of a group called Jews for Jesus, and a few of my fellow members and I have been recently notified of your business through a recent Christian convert who once visited your site quite often. I am sure you will be happy to know that part of his conversion to the Christian faith involved the burning of three of your shirts that he had previously purchase from you. The shirts in question were too reprehensible to repeat in this email. I plan on submitting for review a number of your shirts and much of the content of your webpages to our organization. You can rest assured that you will be hearing from a person of authority within the Jews for Jesus Non-Profit Organization very soon. Your glorification of the suffering of the Jewish people will not go unnoticed.

Our Response: Jews for Jesus? Jews for fucking JESUS? Doesn’t that, like, go against EVERYTHING a Jew is about? You couldn’t be happy with just killing the poor dude, you have to go and ridicule him by pretending to believe he’s the Son of God? That’s pretty low…even for Jews. I’ve heard of your organization before, but I always thought it was something made-up for people to laugh at. I had no idea at all that it was real and that people actually earned their living converting Jews…for Jesus. Goddamn, that’s hard to say without laughing. Thank you! Thank you for giving me something to laugh at regularly, besides Mormons and Scientologists. Dream sweet dreams of your Jew heaven and shut the fuck up.

~FMS

Gary the Gook

From: Gary the Gook

not happy with you for saying gook on one of ur shirts. i remember when Mccain said gook and he had to appologise to everyone in the vietnam community. where is my appology? why would you use the word gook? would ou use the N word on one of your shirts? where is my appology?

Our Response: Dude! We’d never use the “N” word on a shirt! We would never do that because we have some friends who are black. We’d never have a Korean for a friend! God! Could you imagine? It would only take them praising Kim Jong Ill as the “chosen one”, or whatever, one time for me to lose my shit and bludgeon him with a maglite until he quit moving. You dumb shit! McCain used the word “Gook” to refer to the Vietnam fucks who were his POW guards while he was captured. He used it because they were his enemy and he will ALWAYS hate them for the torture they put him through. We use the word “Gook” to refer to OUR enemy…Kim Jong Ill and the other dumb-fuck North Koreans who worship him. North Korea hates America…therefore, Foul Mouth Shirts hates North Korea. Therefore…Foul Mouth Shirts hates North Korean Gooks. Get it? Now shut the fuck up and get back to night school, fucker.

~FMS